One day he was here, the next day he wasn’t.
Losing someone is (always) hard, it’s not just breaking your heart. It even feels like you’re going crazy. Eleanor Haley said that when it comes to grief, crazy is the new normal. Couldn’t agree more. The new world, the new reality, the unfamiliar ones. It seems as if everything around you is moving so fast, and here you are, trapped, with your thoughts, with your heart.
“The hardest part of losing someone isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go” The world around you may expect you to move on, or at least, not be so caught up in your grief. Try to enjoy your life, be grateful, and many other stuffs that they would say.
Ah, if only navigating my life after the death of my father would be as easy as everyone (expect) it. I wouldn’t say that they are wrong, maybe, just maybe they wanted to see you ‘feel better’, to feel a little bit at ease. Well, (for me) it’s not working. Not every sadness need to be cheered up on.
It’s been nearly a year since my father died. Since I was so little (I am 23 now) I always look at the average life span. Knowing that someday my mom and dad would leave me, or the other way around. I expected my father would die maybe at around 80. Or at least, this is what I was hoping for (even better if we can all be together for a very long time, but it's impossible huh). I always, always, always pray that they will live a long life, a happy one. Imagining that both of them would see me graduate, get my first job, get married, etc. However, here I am, with the reality that my dear father is no longer here. With me, with my mom, with my sister. What does it feel like? How are you holding up? I don’t know. Well, (maybe) I know, but it's just too much, that answering “I don’t know” every time someone asked is my go-to-answer. The reality that hits you in your face is hard to be dealt with. The death certificate, the life insurance, and every-document-work-stuffs-everything-reminds-you-of-your-loved-ones. Even when you shower and use shampoo which smells like your loved ones. Or eat the food that your loved ones used to love. Or watch TV show and the person on television reminds you of your loved ones. So yes, losing someone is (always) hard. Losing a parent is hard. Losing a sibling is hard. Losing a partner is hard. Losing a friend is hard. And even losing yourself is (also) hard.
If you just recently loss your loved one, I am so sorry for your loss. I am with you.
Feel free to hit me via DM on Instagram @thegriefmap.id if you need a friend to grief together.
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